Thursday, 25 November 2010

Exclusive extracts from the diary of Warren Gatland, aged nearly 47¼:

18th October 2010 - Stoked about signing new contract with WRU until 2015. The bastards 'll have to pay a fortune to get shot of me now. Confident ahead of next month's internationals. Lions boys upfront and heaps of talent behind. Watched Gav on 'Strictly' Saturday evening. Rumba. Voted for him 158 times and he survived. Take your time mate and we'll see you right for the 6 Nations.

3rd November 2010 - Aussies coming to Cardiff on Saturday. This is the big one. Not sure who to pick on the other wing to Little Shane. Might go for another shortarse. Doesn't really matter as we'll be keeping it in the scrum anyway with the Lions boys. You know I always say we should close the stadium roof? No chance. Hope it rains and we spend all afternoon scrumming those Aussie bastards into the turf. What could possibly go wrong? Watched Gav on 'Strictly'. Paso Doble. Voted for him 373 times. Survived again - well done mate.

10th November 2010 - Shocking. Aussies didn't read the script. Apparently you don't need a scrum. Shortarse Mark II didn't really work out on Saturday so going for big Pommy fella on the wing instead this week. Watched Gav on 'Strictly'. Cha Cha Cha. Voted for Felicity Kendall 562 times. Gav survived. Saffers pretty good upfront so reckon we'll open the roof on Saturday. Gameplan is to start quick and then hold on. What could possibly go wrong? This is the big one.

20th November 2010 - South Africa didn't read the script. Watched Gav on 'Strictly' Saturday evening. Quickstep. Voted for Patsy Kensit 783 times but Gav survived again. Shocking. Tonight we won't stuff up. This is the big one. Baby out with the bathwater time. Brought back Ryan, my inspirational Grand Slam skipper. Shortarse Mark I injured so giving that Brew fella a run. Plan is to tire Fiji out by running from side to side all night. Blue kit will confuse the hell out of 'em too. Might ask for roof to be half-open. What could possibly go wrong?

24th November 2010 - Fiji didn't read the script, the ungrateful bastards. Shocking. Told Ryan after the game that he'd played like a c*nt then publicly stripped him of the captaincy. Picked him anyway for this Saturday. I know how to man-manage. Watched Gav on 'Strictly'. Amercian Smooth. Voted for Anne Widdicombe 917 times but Gav still survived. Mate, it has to be a conspiracy. All Blacks this Saturday. Bringing back that big stroppy bastard Tom James on the wing as apparently he's learned how to catch. Plan is to front up big time. For the Haka at least. Not sure what to do with the roof. This is the big one.


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BoneOnBone said...

Nice one! Loved it