Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Hacked off

The NEWS OF THE WORLD is not the only publication (or, in the NOTW's case, ex-publication) capable of phone hacking. Our investigative reporters here at Total Flanker are also quite a resourceful bunch and have made full use of the latest technology to bring you the following extracts from the voicemails of certain well known rugby personalities:

"What's occurin'? This is Gav. I'm not yer right now but I'm available for reality telly shows, weddings, barmitzvahs and, if there's nothing else on, Rugby World Cups. Leave a message..."

(BEEP) Gavin? Mate, it's Warren. Warren Gatland. If you're not too busy mate it'd be great if you could come to Poland with us for a bit of a runaround. I'll understand if you can't make it but please try eh? Please. Pretty please? Call me.

"This is Jeff Blackett. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm compiling a 126 page report for the RFU council looking into the ineffectiveness of the RFU's Chief Disciplinary Officer."

(BEEP) Blackett you bastard. You try, just try, to publish that report you wrote about me and I'll have your (beep) guts for garters you (beep). Your (beep) feet won't touch the ground you (beep). You'll never work in this town again, dammit, do you hear me? I'll take you for every (beep) penny you have, you miserable (beep). Oh, it's Martyn by the way.

"Hello. Right Reverend Graham Henry here. Just leave your confession after the tone and I'll send you the invoice."

(BEEP) Boss? It's me, Dan. Mate, we're screwed for the World Cup. Those Aussies look awesome. What do we do boss? Practice more drop goals? Call me.

"Hi this is Danny. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm sat at home with a cup of cocoa and a good book. I'm definitely not out on the town with some Z-list celebrity slapper. Certainly not. Honest."

(no messages)

"Allo, c'est Marc. Laissez-moi un message. Pas vous Chabal."

(BEEP) Merde! Sob! Sob!...

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