I understand that you have been retained by the RFU to recruit a Head Coach for the England team. I therefore respectfully submit my application for the role.
Firstly I would like to say that that am happy to report directly to the CEO of the RFU, or indeed to anyone else once the CEO’s position has been undermined by those chaps in blazers at Twickenham. I think it is fair to say that for bucketloads of cash and a lucrative severance package I would be prepared to report to the head of catering if necessary.
Looking at the list of “key attributes” published in your advert I should point out that, although I don’t strictly have a background of demonstrable high-level achievement in a senior coaching role, I do regularly attend my son’s Under 9s football matches in the West Herts Youth League, where my role is that of unofficial Shouty Dad. The boys take very little notice of me and are currently second in their division, so you might say that my track record speaks for itself. To be fair, that’s about as much “high-level achievement in a senior coaching role” as the last bloke had.
You also say that the role requires an influential personality who is highly self-motivated, an instigator and driver of progress, with a commitment to delivering success and with a high level of integrity and credibility within the game. I need only to point you towards the magnificently successful touch rugby team (runners up 2 years in succession in the Chesham Touch Rugby Championship) of which I am an integral part (insofar as I always turn up). How much more integrity and credibility can you get?
As to the specific aspects of the role:
1. Develop and implement an agreed playing & coaching strategy – easy – quick ball, quick hands, quick feet. Rocket science it ain’t.When I am appointed one of my first tasks will be to re-connect the England team with the public by selecting the Elite Player Squad mainly from the 3rd XVs of England’s junior clubs. It’s like I always say, there’s no “I” in “Elite”.
2. Lead and develop a culture of success and shared values – sorry, not sure what that means. If it means “try to win matches” I’ll do my best.
3. Lead the people and processes required to create a successful team – please could you speak English. Oh, I get it – be the boss. No problemo.
4. Relationship management – married for 17½ years. Need I say more?
5. Media and commercial focus – I have a blog, Total Flanker, you may have heard of it.
I would be grateful if you could pass my application to the powers that be in TW1.
Yours most sincerely
Mr T. F. Lanker